Dear David

Everyone was always rooting for you, the underdog kid with an abusive mother and a sinister older brother.  You fought for the girl you wanted, and let her trample you with her whims.  You were kind to everyone, and perhaps a bit of a pushover.  You were the modern man that many girls wished they could have had.  Ready to cry, not afraid to be emotional, you were an inspiration to men everywhere who were “just ashamed to feel”.  While your legacy might have been short lived, and your hairstyles ever changing, you have left a mark, a tiny spot, on the landscape that is our history.  Bravo.


Mommie Dearest?

Dan’s mother Audrey is in town for a visit and is ready to do some mothering!  With a keen eye for sharp objects and a penchant for pounding, the mother of our favorite family man is sharing just what techniques brought him into this world with such an awe-inspring amount of respect for empowered women.   A word to the wise: no one will think you’re crazy if your apron matches your dress.  Manic housewives take note!


Tabloid Tragedy

This tricksy little minx is trying to get Beverly to dish the dirt on her daughter Roseanne.  With decades of experience, this tabloid tramp has learned that the best way to coax the truth out of your subjects is to dress fancy and smile wide!  People love to spill secrets to elegant strangers, so this outfit is perfect for the occasion!  A safari print dress is great for both the Serengeti and the sitting room, the only difference is what you’re hunting.  In this case, it’s the hottest new scoop!  


Heather’s Teenage Heat

DJ’s girlfriend Heather is making an attempt to go from idle film nerd chat to hot and heavy lip on lip action.  She’s giving DJ all the sex face she can muster, but seems to be far from hitting that “seductive” mark.  You can’t blame her outfit though!  This purple striped sweater calls attention to all of her pert pubescent protrusions while the stonewashed wide leg jeans suggest a certain amount of maneuvering might be manageable.  


Beverly has always had what her generation would call an “artistic side”.  These days we just call it straight up lesbianism, and Bev is dressing for the part in an oversized smock with matching beret.  She’s at the hospital to witness the premature birth of her great grandchild, so naturally she’s spouting off about how tough things were in her day.  Becky isn’t actually interested in what Beverly has to say, she’s really just looking for the start of her wig.  


Daddy Dan

The fashion ranks, ruled largely in part by cunning homosexuals, have historically fetishized the garments of the more widely popular heterosexual male.  Seen here in a classic white crewneck underneath a classic plaid shirt, underneath a classic leather jacket, Dan is a fashion Daddy archetype.  His take charge haircut paired with his jaw defining facial hair should be enough to send the daughters and sons of absentee fathers into a sort of oddly sexual throe.  Dan Conner is the man many girls and boys will spend their lives searching for.  We just want a hug.


Lazy in Leopard

Down in the dumps, Roseanne is self medicating with a convenience store’s worth of potato chips, cheese balls, doughnuts, and tabloid magazines.  With a baby for a hostage, this little love-in is a far cry from the hippy hopefests that this depressed dame grew up with.  There’s nothing like silk leopard pyjamas when you’re feeling down and downing litres of soda.  The sheets may be filled with crumbs, but it sure beats leaving the house!


Leather Mommy

Baby puke wipes right off of this leopard trimmed leather jacket, but what drew Roseanne to this particular item was the rebellious persona she can adopt while she wears it!  This biker chick will gladly drop her baby and punch you in the face if you dare mess with her baby or her ride.  No wonder the little Conner boy is wearing a puffy jacket, consider it padding for the eventual throw down!  


Seduction Junction

Not ready to be upstaged by her new furniture, Roseanne is upping the ante with this feather trimmed robe and silk negligee.  Hoping to rekindle her romance with an estranged Dan, this frothy little outfit is sure to send a sensual message.  Let’s hope the gentleman of the house can hold his horses till they make it to the bedroom-it would be a shame to ruin that new green velvet sofa.


Lounging Ladies

With nothing but time on their hands, Roseanne and Jackie are lapping up the leisurewear!  Jackie’s velour lounge suit is luxurious and versatile.  This look can take her from the couch to the limo to Rodbell’s department store all while keeping her comfortable and stylish!  With millions in the bank, Jackie’s only concern should be showing up the ladies at the cafeteria counter!


Tie-Dye Treat

Packing for a lovely weekend at Martha’s Vineyard always means reaching into the back of the closet for that perfectly faded tie-dyed tee!  As the scent of patchouli wafts from the threadbare psychedelia, Roseanne is taken back to that Grateful Dead concert where she lost her virginity on the grass, covered only by Dan’s tattered leather vest, ganja falling out of the pockets like confetti.     


British Invasion

It’s a fashion bash and two special guests have been flown in from across the pond!  Mademoiselles Monsoon and Stone are in America to hobnob with the social elite, but the scene quickly devolves into a water closet party as they teach the Yanks how to have a good time.  Looking every bit the lady, Roseanne has a hard time avoiding the paparazzi and is forced to work her angles for the press!