Roseanne’s Blonde Ambitions

Thanks to a wonderful daydream sequence, we get a look at beautiful buxom blonde version of Roseanne.  Not only is she gorgeous, she’s dripping in diamonds, wearing expensive clothes, and being hand fed bon bons by a shirtless muscleman.  This is what all women dream about: being romantically torn between a father and his three sons, laying on bearskin rugs in front of a roaring fire, and succumbing to the “charms” of a man half her age.

Beverly’s Bedroom Antics

WOW,  Beverly.  It’s great to see that you’re a sexually liberated old lady, but do you really need all of this PVC?  Sure, a nice bodice or even some gloves really gives you an edgy look, but to take the dominatrix thing to this whole new level might be a bit daunting for whatever man you’ve got tied to your bedposts!  You might want to start out a little smaller.  Maybe just a little silk handkerchief play?  A few stern words for your submissive subject?  Remember, not everyone is as “advanced” as you are in terms of whipping play.

Roseanne’s Button Bedazzled Vest

The housewife’s oft-heard lament: “What to do with all of those spare buttons clogging up my sewing kit!?”  Roseanne’s crafty answer: sew them all onto a vest!  Not only is she freeing up space for a some new rolls of thread, she’s gone and made herself a piece of handmade heaven!  Also, it makes it easier to track down a spare button should Dan lose one as he rips his shirt off in the “heat of the moment”!  Paired with a red paisley shirt, this look is really working for Roseanne!

Crystal’s Easter Sweater

Dan Connor is drunk.  Very drunk.  He’s popped over to Crystal and Ed’s house to have a little tête à tête with his father regarding missed alimony payments to his mentally incapacitated mother.  In a desperate attempt to diffuse the situation, Crystal has hastily thrown on her Easter Bunny cardigan.  How can Dan stay angry when he’s confronted with such a delightful pastel paradise?  Flowers!  Easter eggs!  A giant rabbit!  This is the type of thing hostage negotiators should wear.

Jackie’s New Baby Hair

Jackie must be a tired little lady.  She’s probably up half the night alternatively suckling her new little man and changing his diapers.  Plus, she just had a baby!  For this reason, she needs a hairstyle that won’t take her hours to perfect.  This “wash and go” bob is perfect for new mothers!  All it takes is a daily dose of Head and Shoulders, a towel dry, and you’re out the door!  Plus it gives the new bundle of joy one less thing to grab at while it is clamped on to Jackie’s breast.

Leggings for Labor!

When your little sister is about to pop out a little sprog, it’s probably a good idea to be wearing something comfortable.  You might have to be sitting on one of those uncomfortable waiting room chairs for hours, anxious to hear the results of all those hours of breathing and pushing.  Also, you need something that will look snappy if you have to put on some scrubs and assist in the delivery room.  Lucky for Roseanne, she’s invested in a pair of geometric print leggings!  They can carry her from pre-labour jitters to postnatal forehead mopping.  She can do all these things, and with style, too!

Leon’s “Getting Lucky” Sweater

Leon, we get it, you’re gay.  You’re in a gay bar.  You’ve had like six boyfriends already this season.  You wear a suit to the Lanford Lunchbox.  When you hear “Catalina” you think of the island, not the salad dressing.  You have wonderfully groomed facial hair.  You’re witty, cynical, mean, and vaguely sad.  Everyone knows you’re a giant homosexual, so there’s no need for you to wear the giant rainbow striped sweater to the gay bar.  Now take it off, slap on a red mesh tank top, and go trap yourself a new love slave.

David’s Plaid Zip Hoody

Before you marvel at the princely plaid David is sporting this episode, take a minute to peer into those piercing brown eyes of his.  Wait, that’s impossible.  Instead, focus on the magic his facial muscles are making.  David might be the first person in the world to make either of these expressions!  Sad?  Happy?  Who knows?  Who cares?  The hoody is the real treat here!  Everyone who’s ever tried on a hoodless plaid shirt before knows the feeling: the pure insanity that overcomes them when they put it on.  ”WHAT IS THIS?  A COLLAR?!  WHERE IS THE HOOD?  I NEED A HOOD!  GET THIS EVIL GARMENT OFF OF ME!”

Dan’s Manliness

This is a look that says: “I can sit down and have an awkward but touching heart to heart with my teenage daughter and then seconds later, when I find her in the basement making out with her mop haired boyfriend, I will fly into a fury and throw him into the doorframe and make him fear for his life.”  When Dan’s done mauling David he can storm off to the garage, rip off the buffalo plaid, and catch his breath in his seductively tight white t shirt.  How does he make this look so easy?

Roseanne’s Kitty Cat Tee

MEOW!  Wow, Roseanne has really outdone herself yet again!  This giant cat print t-shirt really makes everything she has worn up until this point in time seem like unchanged kitty litter.  What a fantastically coy print for such a cynical little lady!  Is that cat being groomed by the other cat?  What kind of frisky business is happening here?

Roseanne’s Giant Shirt

Comfort and class are keys to building the wardrobe of a respected business owner, mother, and wife.  What better shirt than this “work on top, party on bottom” number to properly project this image?  What we have here is a half of a denim work shirt and half of a “Hawaiian luau” print skirt joined by the powers of fashion fusion!  Roseanne may feel like she’s in her favorite housecoat, but by golly she’s really setting trends!  What a perfect piece to take her from work to home, and if she’s lucky maybe to a night at the Lobo!

Florence Henderson as Flo Anderson!

Some genius in the writing department has come up with a witty moniker for this master of motherhood.  She stormed into town to teach Roseanne about lunching with ladies and the proper etiquette for wearing a helmet in a loose meat luncheonette.  You’ve got to love her teal power suit complimented with five pounds of man made pearls and a giant brooch!  Note also that the proper way to look classy while teaching your 13 year old son how to ride a bike is to dress up like you’re about to ride a horse!  Flo Anderson, what can’t she do?

Roseanne’s Christmas Craziness

Don’t look now, but it appears Roseanne has succumb to “holiday exhaustion”!  She had to drink all of those beers to finish the wreath, and now she simply can’t continue decorating!  What a shame, too, because she’s donned her seasonal best for the task!  Let’s break down this amazing yuletide costume: hair bow, novelty knit seater, long sleeve rollneck allover print tee, and a plaid maxi skirt?  All signs point to festive, and this lady is leading the fashion pack on the way to a Christmas miracle.

Negative Nancy?  NEVER!  Neon Nancy here is always brimming with positivity and good vibrations.  For this outfit to manifest itself she must have harnessed the energies of all of her meditation crystals while sitting under a pyramid of silence during the winter solstice.  The chakras have been aligned, and we’re witnessing them here in all of their floral print legging, purple cutoff denim jacket, and long sleeve scoop neck neon tee beauty!

Roseanne’s “I’m the Boss!” Sweatshirt

For Roseanne to wear this shirt is like for Becky to wear a shirt saying “She who must whine” or Dan to wear one saying “He who must drink beer”.  Still, it’s a cute notion to think that Roseanne deems it necessary to remind her brood who rules the roost.  This is the perfect sweatshirt to wear on Thanksgiving day because if anyone complains about the task they have been chosen to do, Roseanne simply sticks out her chest and screams “NOW!”.  To illustrate this point, Becky is now going to take over preparation of the “Microwaveable Hamburger Magic!”