Darlene’s Slogan Night-Tee

Darlene is a little late to be considered part of the first wave of slogan tees wearers, but this one certainly trumps all of Katharine Hamnett’s creations.  Nothing that Darlene has worn thus far has summed up her life view so appropriately.  She belongs to that camp of hard-assed girls that would rather nap through troubles than talk about them.  This seems especially appropriate given that she has to share a room with her self-indulgent older sister.  When Becky has had a particularly rough day, Darlene makes sure to pull out the “SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP” night-tee to remind her sister that she just doesn’t give a damn.


Roseanne’s Transparent Galoshes

It’s a rainy day in Lanford and Roseanne has to get to the Lobo for her bar tending shift.  Right before she’s about to leave the house, though, she realizes that it’s raining cats and dogs outside.  Instead of changing her low-cut loafers (with white socks) for a more weather-appropriate choice of footwear, she simply slides a pair of transparent galoshes over her “sunny day” shoes, like a condom for her feet.  Now she can shuffle through puddles without a care in the world, her loafers safe from splashes, dry inside their clear casing.


Darlene’s Batwings

Sometimes people just fall into fashion.  Through no effort of their own, they find themselves wearing something stylish, sexy, and sophisticated.  More often than not, this happens to Darlene.  She sees this batwing rollneck sweatshirt and thinks “that looks comfortable, and I can probably shoot hoops with ease thanks to all of that extra frabric!”  What the fashion crowd sees is a bold fashion-forward step in the right direction, a teenage savant who had the chutzpah to pair those exaggerated sleeves with that exaggerated hair.  Well done, Darlene Conner, well done.


Jackie’s Suspender Skirt

Everyone’s been there.  Another Thanksgiving dinner with the family, another stunning outfit to wear.  Jackie pulls out all of the stops here, with her high waisted suspender skirt, 3/4 sleeve stripe tee, and black tights.  When she wants to make her grand dramatic exit (her mom said something mean) she simply throws on an oversized army surplus parka and storms out the door in style.  Isn’t turkey supposed to sedate people?  Not this girl, no thanks.


Becky’s Chicken Shirt

This is a messed up episode.  Roseanne has an elaborate daydream about killing her children one by one, then is tried in court (where Jackie makes an appearance as a lawyer in a power suit), and in the end sings a musical number proclaiming her innocence.  This crazy chicken shirt would make sense were it to remain in this episode (in dreamland, as it were), but it is impossible to miss in the very next episode when it is being worn by Roseanne and apparently becomes a running joke throughout the entire series.  EERIE.


Jackie’s Jumpsuit

It’s hard to say whether anyone can actually prepare themselves for how amazing this outfit is.  The best way to absorb the impact is to break the whole thing into separate components, starting from the the top.  Jackie started with a magenta henley, added a dark blue tank top button-through JUMPSUIT, “cinched it” with a simple black belt, and topped the whole thing off with some white Reebok high tops.  What a stunner, and all this effort to stand around dipping apples in boiling caramel!


Roseanne’s Tasseled Jacket

When you work at Chicken Divine you’re struck with a daily dilemma: “What the heck do I wear to work that will make my uniform look less like a clown college smock and more like a wild west amusement park attendant costume?”  The answer, if you hadn’t figured it out already, is a tasseled denim overcoat.  This way, if you bump into an old high school friend, you can button it up all the way to hide the tell-tale yellow glow and “Yee-haw!” your way out of any awkward conversations about your career.


Jackie’s Striped Shirt

In case you had forgotten, aubergine and camel were the big colors of 1989, so of course some genius designer decided to pair them together, stripewise, on a long sleeve tee shirt.  This look is pretty much the inspiration for the bulk of about two years of American Apparel’s profits.  You saw it, along with countless other “new” fashion fads, here first, on Jackie.  She’s probably also to blame for the proliferation of blunt-cut bangs, ironic bobs, sweatpants as outerwear and modern ball-busting feminism.  What a trendsetter.



Look at this fine specimen of manhood.  Everything about this outfit leads one to believe that he is a stand-up guy: the denim shirt (again), the buffalo plaid lined vest, the khaki pants, and the handkerchief headband are all staples of the manly man wardrobe.  We see here an almost hyperbolic vision of masculinity.  Who better to represent and lead the male specimen?  Consider this outfit Dan Conner’s bid to become the best men’s style archetype for years to come.


Roseanne’s Job Interview Dress (?)

Roseanne has abandoned her post at Wellmans Plastics factory.  The new boss (not Booker Brooks) worked the employees too hard, and Roseanne was fed up.  She’s had a hard few weeks off the job, trying to figure out exactly what it is she wants to do.  Today she has a job interview for an administration assistant position at the local meat packing plant.  This is very important to her, so she’s decided to wear her red dress under Dan’s oversized black v-neck sweater.  The matching red pocket “jester’s hat” just screams to future employers: ‘I’m serious about this job, please hire me!’.


Jackie’s Hangover Outfit

Jackie and Darlene stayed up late talking about what a pain in the ass their older sisters can be.  Jackie was drinking beers, Darlene was drinking sodas; what a wild and crazy pair!  As you can imagine, they are both feeling pretty rough right about now.  You can barely tell from the way Jackie comes slumping into the laundry room the next day.  Who else can bring so much style to a hungover Saturday morning?  Thank god she has her hangover glasses on.


Fabulous Florals

Becky might have just outed herself as colorblind.  She most likely learned about matching from a small article in “Seventeen” magazine, and it probably said something like ‘TAKE ONE COLOR FROM ONE PIECE, AND MAKE THAT THE COLOR OF THE OTHER PIECE!  NOW YOU’VE MATCHED!’.  She probably thinks that the other color in her skirt is closer to aqua than it really is.  No wonder she looks so indignant, everyone is telling her to go to her room and change.  They just don’t “get” her.


Crystal’s Work Look

It’s odd to imagine that Wellmans Plastics doesn’t have a set dress code for their employees.  The benefit of this, obviously, is that the ladies on the assembly line get to express themselves in ways that wouldn’t be possible were they required to wear some sort of standardized plastic-punching ensemble.  Thank goodness Cyrstal can sport the lilac and camel plaid short sleeve shirt, or the silk floral blouse.  Free from style obstructions like eye protection, face masks, or hair nets, her sublime bouffant can realize its true glory.  Take notes, girls: no matter where you work, you should always take pride in your appearance.



It seems Bruce Willis stopped by the studio to surprise Roseanne in bed.  Maybe he was trying to drum up some publicity for “Look Who’s Talking”?  It doesn’t matter though, who needs an excuse to take a peak of this hunk? This scene just ran during the end credits-Roseanne is doing a scene with Dan, and starts screaming when good old Bruce walks into the bedroom instead of her husband.  Can you blame her? One is left wondering: did Bruce Willis EVER have a full head of hair?


Becky’s Pink Perfection

This isn’t even a very good outifit: all we really have here is some masterful styling.  Separately, these pieces would not be worth a second glance, but the way they’ve been put together is pure “costume heaven”.  Look at that slight roll to the cuff, the way the blouse perfectly balloons from the waistband of the jeans, the crisp white crew neck layering.  Note also the subtlety of the accessories, the silver bangle and ring, what appear to be pearl drop earrings, and the smallest peek of a pink watch strap.  Who could ask for more?