This mother’s day why don’t you treat your mom to a makeover at the salon and then ultimately disappoint her with your shitty teenage ulterior motives?  Who would have thought Roseanne wouldn’t approve of Becky and Darlene’s plans for a weekend trip to Des Moines, especially after they pretended to like her for four hours!

S9E24

This is It

Few shows will take you on a journey like that of Roseanne.  For all of its flaws, this is a series of transformation, family, and love.  Roseanne Conner is who we all want to be.  She is brash, outspoken, headstrong, loud, and rude, but most of all she is loving and loved.  While it may take many forms, there is never any doubt that her motivating force is a nervous bundle of pure white hot love that lives inside of her buxom bossom.  There is a sense that she cares almost too much, and sometimes this feeling translates into a snarky comment here or there, or a willful jab at a loved one’s flaw.  Never for a minute is this sort of playfulness viewed as spiteful.  Everyone knows Roseanne cares.  Everyone knows that they will never care as much as she does, and for that reason they want to be her.  They want her freedom, her strength.  They want her laugh.  

S9E23

Dear David

Everyone was always rooting for you, the underdog kid with an abusive mother and a sinister older brother.  You fought for the girl you wanted, and let her trample you with her whims.  You were kind to everyone, and perhaps a bit of a pushover.  You were the modern man that many girls wished they could have had.  Ready to cry, not afraid to be emotional, you were an inspiration to men everywhere who were “just ashamed to feel”.  While your legacy might have been short lived, and your hairstyles ever changing, you have left a mark, a tiny spot, on the landscape that is our history.  Bravo.

S9E22

Mommie Dearest?

Dan’s mother Audrey is in town for a visit and is ready to do some mothering!  With a keen eye for sharp objects and a penchant for pounding, the mother of our favorite family man is sharing just what techniques brought him into this world with such an awe-inspring amount of respect for empowered women.   A word to the wise: no one will think you’re crazy if your apron matches your dress.  Manic housewives take note!

S9E21

Tabloid Tragedy

This tricksy little minx is trying to get Beverly to dish the dirt on her daughter Roseanne.  With decades of experience, this tabloid tramp has learned that the best way to coax the truth out of your subjects is to dress fancy and smile wide!  People love to spill secrets to elegant strangers, so this outfit is perfect for the occasion!  A safari print dress is great for both the Serengeti and the sitting room, the only difference is what you’re hunting.  In this case, it’s the hottest new scoop!  

S9E20

Heather’s Teenage Heat

DJ’s girlfriend Heather is making an attempt to go from idle film nerd chat to hot and heavy lip on lip action.  She’s giving DJ all the sex face she can muster, but seems to be far from hitting that “seductive” mark.  You can’t blame her outfit though!  This purple striped sweater calls attention to all of her pert pubescent protrusions while the stonewashed wide leg jeans suggest a certain amount of maneuvering might be manageable.  

S9E19

Beverly has always had what her generation would call an “artistic side”.  These days we just call it straight up lesbianism, and Bev is dressing for the part in an oversized smock with matching beret.  She’s at the hospital to witness the premature birth of her great grandchild, so naturally she’s spouting off about how tough things were in her day.  Becky isn’t actually interested in what Beverly has to say, she’s really just looking for the start of her wig.