THIRD AND DELAWARE

S4E10

Roseanne’s Terrific Thanksgiving Tartan

It’s Thanksgiving, which means you’ve got to wear tartan, right? Roseanne has been basting turkeys, mashing potatoes, baking bread, roasting vegetables, and making powdered gravy ALL DAY but yet finds time to pop on a headband and tart herself up in time for the family gathering. Look at the joy this festive occasion is bringing her! This is pure motherly devotion on her part, to look good for her family while they enjoy a nice, home cooked meal. For once.

S4E09

Roseanne’s Secret Smoking

Nothing is sexier than a woman with a cigarette in her hand. Especially if it’s a secret cigarette. There’s something mysteriously seductive about the way Roseanne takes the stashed pack of smokes out of the pocket of that leather jacket and lights up right in the middle of the motorcycle shop. The way her face puckers as she takes a desperate drag could make a man melt. Why did they have to make something so sexy so dangerous?

S4E08

Roseanne, The Queen of Hearts

Thank the gods the Las Vegas episode is a two-parter! If it wasn’t, we would have been robbed of this gem of a GEM SWEATER. Look at the swagger on Roseanne as she walks through the cabaret, head held high because she knows she is sporting the classiest novelty playing card sweater in the room. There’s no questioning who’s the queen of everyone’s hearts because Roseanne is wearing the answer on her chest! There’s nothing like going on vacation and really dressing the part. It’s a perfect excuse to pull out all of the stops with your wardrobe, to wear those special pieces you would never wear at home.

S4E07

Sandra Bernhard as Nancy

Look who has finally made an appearance in the lives of our favorite Lanford-ians! Nancy Bartlett, the oft-discussed breast enhancement surgery recipient and on-again off-again girlfriend to Arnie, has finally graced us with her presence, and what a presence it is. This little femme fatale is a total knockout, no wonder Arnie decided to shell out the cash to pump up the volume on those love muffins! After he paid for the surgery, he even went ahead and proposed to her, being the gentleman he is. Nancy’s got style out the ying-yang, so anticipate seeing a lot more of this feisty little ginger! For starters, though, take a gander at these Las Vegas vacation delicacies. Slot machine themed v neck t-shirt! Tie-Dyed leggings! Brocade swing coat! Delicious.

S4E05

The Lanford Gays

Every backwater burg has at least one, but Lanford is lucky enough to have two whole gays living within the town limits. These aren’t just any gays, either, this is a power couple! A homosexual hive mind of snappy dressing, witty remarks, and fabulous interior design ideas. Leon and his partner Stephen are the toast of the town and their dinner parties are absolutely divine! Just check out Stephen’s meticulously permed and colored hair, the drape of his trench coat, the delicate floral pattern on his tie! What a catch!

S4E06

DJ’s Halloween Costume

Roseanne must think that Halloween is all about dressing your child up in costumes that he doesn’t understand. Seriously, who thought that DJ would be enthusiastic about being “Alfalfa”? As soon as that last eyeliner freckle was penciled on his nose, he thought “Fuck this, I’m going to be a Terminator instead!”. It must have taken him hours to flatten that sprout on his head, scrub off the spots, and source an MK-47 with optional bullet vest! The effort will be worth it, though, when he’s terrorizing the neighborhood into giving him all of their Rockets. He’ll be a diabetic in less than 12 hours.

S4E04

DARLENE IS A GOTH

“It happened so fast,” they’ll say, “we didn’t see it coming, she used to be such a lovely girl”. The neighbors will whisper, classmates will gather in hallways, teachers will have hushed conversations in the staff room, and Roseanne will hang her head as she shops for Spam at the Buy ‘n Bag. They’ve all figured it out, put together the complex puzzle pieces, connected all of the dots: Darlene is a goth. The signifiers are all there: unruly, floppy hair, nondescript baggy black clothing, consistently neutral facial expression, and a sullen demeanor. She might as well be sacrificing spring chickens to a flaming altar of inverted crosses in the school cafeteria.

S4E03

Roseanne’s Blazer

Roseanne has never looked this put together, this sharp, this authoritative! She’s taken what seems to be an old-school theater usher’s uniform and re-interpreted it as a super modern fashion style. By simply cuffing both the blazer and the blouse, she’s now sporting an on-trend look that she can wear while she breaks into the Rodbell’s Cafe after hours (her hands are free from constriction for better lock-picking!). There, Roseanne will sit in all of her blazing blazer glory and try to help Jackie recover from the shock of sleeping with Arnie. Poor Jackie, she’s a broken woman.

S4E02

Jackie’s Fragrance Counter Makeover

So, when Jackie was a police officer, she fell down some stairs with a naked guy and threw out her back. This took her off of patrol duty, and potentially stuck her at a desk job for the rest of her policing career. Not one to sit around all day and push paper, she decided to take a few months off to really “find” herself. After much painful deliberation she has decided to become a spritzer girl at Rodbell’s department store. This required a TOTAL MAKEOVER, as you can see here. She is now a blonde, wears only color-blocked dresses or dresses with 10 zippers, and is positively dripping in gold costume jewelry. You’ve got to look the part, right?

S4E1

Becky’s Undercut

WAIT A MINUTE! Just a hot second ago Becky was sporting the messy boy hair, and now all of a sudden she’s got an unbelievably amazing UNDERCUT? You might have already guessed it, but this is the season premiere, which can only mean nearly everyone has a new hairstyle. It seems Becky spent her summer holiday growing out her choppy locks only to shave half of them off again. With this hairstyle she gets the look of a bowl cut without the hassle of having to brush all of that hair! Her neck is free to breathe, and she can pop her collar without fear of disturbing her incredible coif.

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